Wednesday, 23 January 2013
Posted by Alon Nachshen at 15:06
It’s a funny thing the festive period. At one moment our lords are leaping and the next we’re swearing incessantly after failing at our new-years resolution at the first hurdle. Who cares if I have another mince pie?! I need my extra weight to survive the winter! Sound familiar? Good. You’re officially human. Well done! Now that we’ve all justified ourselves that our diets will most definitely start tomorrow can we stop moaning please? Pretty please? Not because I am not a fan of moaning. Heavens no. Rather I think we should all look ahead a few weeks to discover something that we should be moaning about: Valentine’s day.
We’re only just beginning to recover from the immense pressure placed on us at New-Years where we all scrambled to find the nearest thing with a pair of lips to kiss at midnight and now we’re expected to put ourselves out again?! Sorry, where was I? I might have leaked a bit of hidden bitterness there... Ah, yes. The curious case of Valentine’s day. Through a mixture of never being educated in such a way and never having had the interest to research it, I have never understood this holiday. An excuse for romance, yes, I get that, but an overweight bare-bottomed baby with a bow and arrow sparking love between couples? Really? That worries me. It’s like Legolas meets Huggies meets Fifty Shades of Grey. No thanks. At least it’s the cream egg season again. Although after that image, I am not sure that I will be looking to eat again any time soon. Oh well. Every cloud has a silver lining - I guess my New-Years resolution is back on!
If we disregard the bare-bottomed baby for a moment (and hopefully forever), 2013 has got off to a smashing start. Why? Well, I can think of several reasons which are all more significant and meaningful than the one I am going to present to you, but nevertheless, here I go: the snow! Well, there’s not really much of it. Only a few inches. But as we all know that is enough to bring London to a standstill and to trigger the papers into printing headlines informing us of the end of the world. What nonsense. So much for keeping calm and carrying on. We can be a right bunch of pansies sometimes. But who am I to complain? There’s snow outside!
Every night since Christmas I’ve been checking the Met Office website hoping, dreaming, even praying for snow! And it’s finally here! Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure 95% of all activity on the Met Office website is done during this period purely in the hope of us convincing ourselves that it will be too snowy and treacherous to get into work the next day. If any of you out there are questioning, the final 5% is almost definitely made up of pensioners who have exhausted all possible sources of amusement (namely Werther’s Originals, knitting, sitting, criticising family members etc) and feel compelled to fill the time with some sort of needless information. If anybody who works at the Met Office is reading, though, I have a message for you: stop. Unless it is going to snow, please give up with all this weather mapping nonsense. Tell me if I will need a jumper and/or a coat and then leave us in peace.
The big news of 2013 for me, though, has to be that I am officially on the roads! Yes, after a whole year-and-a-half after passing my test I have finally gained access to a car! Huzzah! Like with everything good in Britain, though, it didn’t take long for me to start complaining. Yes I should be grateful that I’m driving and yes I probably shouldn’t get ahead of myself, but who on earth drives at 30mph in the middle lane when there is a speed limit of 50mph?! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! I’m not advocating speeding, I’m not telling you to do it... I’m just telling you to consider it. Some of us want to get on with our lives instead of having to glare at the rear end of your car. And don’t think we’re being patient by not overtaking you. Oh no. What we are actually doing is thinking up all forms of possible punishments and forms of torture that should be implemented for your offence. It is at times like this when I really do question Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest, because surely by now these prats must have died out. There is no reason for their existence.
Part of me feels that I should be more considerate but I have no patience for these idiots. I really don’t. I did think that I’d be kind when I saw a learner though. I was one myself not so long ago and I remember telling my teacher in lessons how when I pass I would always let them go and not put pressure on them. Sod that. If any of you out there have not passed your driving test and think the same as I did, you cannot comprehend how much of an inconvenience they will become to your lives. When you drive, you drive to get from A to B in the quickest time possible (obviously whilst staying within the speed limits set down by Her Maj’s government) and having someone drive slowly in front of you, you cannot help but feel that they are doing it on purpose to ruin your day. And yours only. The selfish bastards. They should be culled. The lot of them.
My anger towards learners has been somewhat quelled recently after the snow has prevented me from driving for the past week, but don’t you worry. As soon as it melts away I’ll be back. Breathing down your necks muttering a selection of the finest naughty words under my breath. Well, I say muttering. I actually mean shouting. My driving teacher did tell me quite frequently that he would get me a megaphone so I could be heard. And on that note, I think it must be time to leave you once again. Until the next time...